this is a secret blog. it’s an uncurated space, and barring re-posts, is where I work out my writing. it helps to see it here before putting it elsewhere. this is a disclaimer.
my mother and i have a rough relationship. her cancer has returned. i have a hard time dealing with terrible things. i tend to glaze over; to look over the mountain; to be far, far past it before the terrible thing has even begun. i have learned my hardness from her. my depression. my impatience.
she also taught me to not give a FUCK. about what anyone thinks of me or might think. she taught me to stand up for what and who I am. to not take bullshit. to ask uncomfortable questions without flinching.
i make my best efforts, every single day, to not be like her. to ignore the slights of the universe; to not take them personally. to be neither offense or defense - to just be.
i make my best efforts, every single day, to be like her. to be an activist for what’s made its way into my heart. to laugh so loudly that it wakes people up. i aspire to her incredible ability to transform a space; to hostess; to entertain; to love music so fully that other people wonder what kind of magic is contained within a cassette tape.
i’m having a hard time right now.